What an odd name? Morag and Tavish were crofters. Celebrating the new millennium and their soon to be born child – on a mad whim – let’s go on an adventure to Glasgow.
They saw the most amazing sights:
Haghill
St Rollox
…AND THE GORBALS
But the most memorable of all was a word overheard between two Italian ladies:
ANTIPASTA
Such a beautiful word. There and then, boy or girl, the bairn would take the name Antipasta and would shine as a beacon of light.
FLORA ANTIPASTA McDEWELL
Filled with love for all mankind and a desire to help the needy, Flora Antipasta McDewell devoted her life and all her future and past lives to ease the suffering of others.
Scroll down – see what she did.
Flora in Flanders Field. Flora was 16 when she signed up with the Scots Dragoons – pretending to be a boy. It was the 4th of November – the night before bonfire night but the sky was lit bright with the guns. Her pink heels are by Amina Muaddi and her gold earrings from Hyman’s. If you’re looking good, the battle is half won.
Flora parachuting into Suez. It was a sunny day and she was wearing her favourite Balenciaga Triple S Clear purple pumps when an Egyptian officer managed to get her with his pistol and then the day went bad.
Filled with patriotic zeal, Flora volunteers as a fire warden in The Blitz. Christian Louboutin shoes and Eau de Soleil Blanc by Tim Ford. Incendiary bomb lands too close and her eau de toilette goes up in flames.
Flora Antipasta McDewell at La Haye Sainte (Waterloo 1815). Pink Barbour Wellingtons are the order of the day. All going well until the French heavy battery opens up and pops her head clean off.
It’s a long way from the highlands to Stalingrad – Flora doing her bit for Mother Russia with silver earrings from Chemmanur and purple sneakers by Adidas. Sadly a Karabiner 98k makes her lose an earring and half of her brains.
Hastings 1066. Flora spent all day polishing her dane axe and some brand new Prada yellow leather boots. Gets a stray arrow at exactly the time Harold is slain.
January 21st 1975: Flora Antipasta McDewell battling the Khmer Rouge for control of the Mekong River. It was hot in the jungle but who wouldn’t look cool in shoes by Manolo Blahnik. You never can have too many shoes.
Guernica 1937. Some excellent (Armani) khaki combats and lipstick by Yves Saint Laurent. Flora’s UGG boots were a little too warm for the Basque country, but got much hotter when a Dornier DO17 flew by.
Kuwait February 27th 1991. Having found THE BEST Jimmy Choo’s – perfectly matching her eyes – Flora Antipasta McDewell has an unfortunate ‘blue on blue’ with a Challenger MKII.
Pointless Heroic Sieges Part 1. Dien Bien Phu – Battle for Eliane Hill 1954. Sporting a kepi vert to complement her Louis Vuitton ammunition box, Flora bleeds from a punctured pleural cavity. The Viet Minh run past oblivious.
Pointless Heroic Sieges Part 2. Wearing snakeskin cowboy boots (by Loblan) and sporting a snazzy Mexican infantry hat, Flora joins Santa Anna’s men at the siege of The Alamo. Sadly, Colonel William B. Travis, in a Wrangler cowboy hat and Levi 501s sets her hair alight with a burning club. He is later slain by a Mexican bullet to the head.
Pointless Heroic Sieges Part 3. Verdun. Finding herself on the German lines, Flora’s mustard coloured hot pants are no match for the phosgene gas from her own side’s shells, the gas blown back by the wind. She is wearing parfum par Chanel. Her lungs are filled with blood.
Flora chillaxing with her buddies after the Battle of Gettysburg. Yes, those are real Nike Air Max sneakers and her nail varnish is by Max Factor. You go girl…
The Last Cigarette. Flora Antipasta McDewell, wearing her regimental kilt and beret stands tall as the sun rises, two hours before the guns are to fall silent. Found guilty of dereliction of duty, desertion and cowardice. Flora refused to fight. Flora never fought. In all her wars she never fired a shot or even had a loaded gun. Her ammunition bag was always full of hand soap, lip balm and hand wipes to give to the troops. She just wanted to do what she could to ease their suffering and show people how to accessorize while wearing a uniform. R.I.P. Flora, her fallen comrades and all the other innocents…
